POAS

Phillip and I, along with my son and my mother in law, made the 8 hour drive to Olive Branch, MS to visit my sister in laws family for her 40th birthday. This mini vacation was needed in the midst of our IVF journey.  It's been a long and trying adventure full of ups and downs, highs and lows, but through all of it I've realized just how good God can be.

During my two week wait, I've been positive and prayed fervently, I've had my doubts and thought all was lost, and I've had those moments, that truly are without words when God speaks so softly to your heart that you have to be really still and listen.  It's been about blocking out the negative when it creeps up and believing that God gives us all the desires of our hearts.  Each day that passed, I tried to remain steadfast and speak as if I knew I was already pregnant, because speaking otherwise would be as if I didn't believe God would answer so many prayers. But he does.

On Friday, June 29 at 3:55am, I climbed out of bed in the dark of the night and fumbled around for the box that contained two tests that could change our lives forever. Pulling out one of tests was like the key to my future. My hand trembled as I tried to pee on it. I could hardly hold it still enough to put the cap back on it. I set it on the counter and waited with baited breath.  I stared at it for no more than 30 seconds when I saw this....

I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant! With possibily twins! It was such an overwhelming feeling. It didn't quite register with Phillip when I finally went back to bed. He just kept repeating, "really? Are you sure?" Though it was pitch black in our room, I could feel the smile on his face. We are finally going to be parents. We're finally getting our miracles.

A true test of faith

Nobody can warn you what the two week wait (between when you've had your embryo transfer and when you have blood drawn to find out if your pregnant) will be like.  I can think of a thousand words to describe this wait but the best one that comes to mind....HELL. It's agonizing, nerve-wrecking, nail-biting, can't eat, can't sleep, pure torture. I didn't prepare myself for what it would be like, nor did anyone else. Actuallly I don't think there is preparing for it.  You're constantly wondering, looking for any sign at life. Did that twinge mean the babies are implanting? But I haven't spotted? Does that mean it didn't work? My boobs aren't as sore anymore...and the thoughts keep rolling around in my head like life size bowling balls. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to break down and cry. Not because I'm sad, I'm just an emotional basket case. The world of IVF, with all its knowledge, can't soothe an aching heart. But I do know who can. God.

Now I'm speaking to myself as much as I am any of my fellow IVFers reading this or even my family.  I have to remind myself daily, hourly, even by the minute that I'm not in control of this journey.  As much as I would rather take the wheel to mommy-hood, I'm just a good and faithful passenger along for the ride and I'm just a vessel that God chose to go through this journey. And I've already written about that.  I know I was chosen. I accepted this journey with a willing heart, but as much as I want the answer now, I know that this wait is also part of this journey. It's the biggest test of faith.

Most of the time, we can figure out the answers to life's biggest questions. Does he love me, does he love me not? Why did the chicken cross the road? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Well we're still trying to figure out that one.  But sometimes God just wants us to rely on him for the answers and he's not one to just give them up at our leisure. We have to dig deep in our soul and believe that God always has our best interst in mind.

Phillip and I went forward at church this weekend to pray over these babies. The women who prayed over us said something like...God would never dangle a carrot in front of us and then not give us the prize. God wouldn't be cruel like that. He's a loving God. Even though we don't always get the outcomes we want doesn't mean that the journey was a failure. It means that we have to trust him, praise him, and continue down the path.

I'll be reminding myself of that in five days when we find out our outcome.  We're believing that our faith is strong enough to withstand anything that God can throw at us. Prayerfully, he'll throw us a positive sign and some babies in there too.

A bigger plan

Today we got the news that our two remaining embryos didn't make to become snowbabies.  I was prayerfully hoping that we would have a "backup" plan so to speak. That in the event that these two beautiful embryos that are in me now don't make it that we have another chance at this journey.  But when you think about it, is that really putting faith in God that his plan will work the first time? Are we believing that he's not a sovereign God and gives us all our dreams according to his will?

Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses of the bible. My father in law quoted it to me when Phillip and I were first married and I've never forgotten it.  "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, but give you hope and a future." Anytime the plans I had for my life don't go according to my timeline, I refer back to this verse. It reminds me that we have no control over things.  We have to have faith that God has a BIGGER plan that we could ever have for ourselves. 

The fertilty forum I'm read and am a part of,  have countless women who have gone through IVF 3, 4, 5 times and more to achieve their dreams of having a child. It gives me hope when I see those women who voice their frustrations at a negative pregnancy test, but are continuing their journey with the faith it will eventually happen.  Many of those women have conceived twins, even triplets after multiple failures. What a blessing(s) they receive by waiting on the Lord! But is a negative pregnancy test a real failure or God's way of saying...not yet my child. Your time is coming, be patient and keep believing that I have your best interest in mind.

In the moment of grief and frustration we need "lean not on our own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." (Prov 3:5-6). I try to find the joy in every situation. Its not always easy, and its usually proceeded with a flood of tears, but this time I've felt total peace with every step of this process. When my doctor gave me the news that at the age of 34, I had a low number of eggs, I paused for grief, but perservered. When he told me that I would only have 4-5 eggs after receiving the most aggressive protocol, I paused for grief, and perservered. They actually retrieved 8 and 5 fertilized. I beat out science. When they told me that two the eggs they implanted were slow growers and not where they wanted them to be by a day 5 transfer, I paused for grief and perservered. When they told me that my two remaing embryos, my "backup" plans didn't make it to freeze, I paused and cried, but I perservered. I have so much hope and faith that we, Phillip and I, will make it out of this journey with our bundle(s) of joys, that I smile, giggle a little and then rub my belly.  I know they hear me and so does God.

I'm believing...

Yesterday, we had two beautiful embryos implanted in my uterus. Arriving at the doctor's office, reclining back in the oh-so wonderful stirruped table, I'm handed a picture of two of the most beautiful group of cells, that with the help of science and God, will grow to be my children. As of today, I'm officially PUPO! For those outside the world of IVF, that means, pregnant until proven otherwise. For the rest of us...it means the ending of one phase and the beginning of a whole new exciting world of possibilities and...(pause for effect) WAITING. The ten days between when you have your beautiful embryos implanted and when you have your beta done to tell you whether or not, your hardwork, science and the miracles of God have truly worked.  It's not an easy ten days. It's mostly filled with watching the clock, analyzing every twitch, twinge, craving, smell and sign that your are indeed pregnant.  You can truly drive yourself crazy thinking about the possibilities, the what-if this, and what-if thats. However, this time, in my opinion, is best spent praying.

Phillip and I have been praying for these children for last four years and here it is, a real possibility.  I study these group of cells, each one being completely unique of the other.  I imagine what they will look like, how they will act, behave and see the world.  But mainly, I want them to know how much they were wanted.  These two beings are life. A life that my husband and I created together. Before it seemed impossible. The odds stacked against us, but now I have evidence to the contrary. They've fought to make it this far, I'm believing that they will continue to fight to come into this world as children of God.

These two uniquely created beings grow inside me, but its most than just nutrients and blood they receive. They've already received prayer and dedication to God. We've prayed for these babies for the months, weeks, and hours leading up to this moment where I can see that their lives are real.  And if God willing, will be introduced into the world in nine months. What a blessing it is! 

A chosen one

Today is the day before our embryo transfer. It feels like this day could drag on forever. I guess, in a way it has, at least over the last 4 years.  The hardest part of the IVF journey is the constant waiting and wondering. It can drive a sane person mad and test the most patient of saints.  Up until this day, I hadn't realized the impact of what bringing a child into the world really meant.  Our lives will be forever changed. It will no longer be just the three of us. 

Its been be 13 years since I've carried a child, but I can still remember what it felt like for my son to move around inside me. Kick my bladder or my lungs, wake me up in the middle of the night with his wiggly butt. At the moment I found it annoying. I knew my days were numbered for getting any amount of decent sleep, so any disturbance to my precious sleep was reason to go crazy.  The indigestion, the cravings, the tired achy body...all went away the moment my son was born. I've spent 13 years never believing it could happen again.  But here I am, the day before two lives will be placed into my womb to grow and be nutured. 

Its a miracle, this gift of life.  At first, I was so angry at why God hadn't allowed us to get pregnant right away. I was bitter and resentful at every announcement from my friends of yet another "we're expecting". Tears would well up in my eyes and I swallowed back the large lump that would form in my throat.  It wasn't fair, and I didn't know why.  Phillip and I were good people. We both wanted a family and knew we would be great parents.  Sure our marriage had its fair share of struggles and but doesn't everyone's marriage? I know no perfect marriage, much to the contrary of what people would like us to think.  So I knew that it wasn't because of something we did or didn't do. As God got ahold of my heart, we began to whisper to me that I was a chosen one.

I was chosen to go through this miracle of conception from beginning to end. See every facet of life being made and developed.  Most people (those with whom I resented) would wake up one morning and realize that a period hasn't come on time, and a pregnancy test later reveals the big news. But my husband and I, we planned this. We've conceived life knowing every single step of the process right down to the number of cells. How many people get to experience that?

Most people would agree they wouldn't want to go through the experience of infertility. But I've looked at this as a gift. I was a chosen one. I would think that each woman who has undergone fertility treatments would agree with me. While during the process, its not exactly fun. Twice daily shots in our stomachs, constant bloodwork and vaginal ultrasounds to check our growing follicles, while we're bloated so much that we already look pregnant. Closely watching the screens in the hopes that our skilled doctors see growth in a follicle that contains the very egg needed to create the life we so desperately want.  Our husbands endure semen analysis that don't always yield good results.  They too, go through a myriad of emotions (though they try to hold it in) when they discover that they were part of the reason why natural conception hasn't happened. It can be a blow to a man's ego. We as women, have to hold our heads up high, and comfort our husbands just as they confort us.

This journey has brought Phillip and I closer together. It's not that way for everybody. Sometimes it more than some couples can handle. The emotional rollercoaster that we go through can sometimes be unbearable. But for those who endure it, can come away from this experience with a gift. The gift of a beautiful child that was created with love. I can't believe that God chose me. And I'm almost there, I'm a day before realizing that gift. Now I'm realistic that I've still a long road to go, waiting to find out if it worked. If all this work results in the child we've been waiting for. But even if it doesn't, I know God chose me because he knew I was strong, that I could handle anything we could throw my way.  I'm ready for it...bring it on.

Oh the wait....

I'm a little behind on this whole blogging thing, but I'm a procrastinator, so its in my nature to put things off til the last minute. So its fitting to say that we're on the tail end of our IVF journey and I'm just now sharing the news.  But here's a chance for us to tell the world how it all began....

Phillip and I started this whole conception party four years ago when, after a year of marriage, we decided, we would start trying to have a baby.  We weren't in a hurry. I already had the coolest kid from a previous relationship and we both felt, if it happened, it would happen.  Two years came and went and no baby. We both wanted children, but it seemed to never be the right time.  After our second anniversary, I decided to look into why we weren't getting pregnant. We went to our first IVF clinic and spoke with the doctor who didn't give us much hope. We found out that Phillip had low morphology, low volume, low everything.  I couldn't imagine how my husband was feeling. As a man, it must have been a blow to his self esteem.  Our IVF doctor just gave us the bad news and sent us on our way without so much of a plan of action. So life continued as it was for two more years.

In the spring of 2010, just after our fourth anniversary, I decided to do some research about IVF. I scoured the internet and looked for IVF doctors in our area. I found a doctor who seemed to have great statistics, a cutting edge facility and was well respected across the country. A phone consult later and we were once again, sent to run another round of tests.  The doctor didn't seemed the least concerned with our numbers. He was optimistic that even though Phillip's number were worse than before We were told that IUI was a viable option.  He recommended at least 3-4 IUI treatments before we moved on to IVF. To Phillip's financial ears, it was like receiving the golden ticket.  I, on the otherhand, wasn't so optimistic about our chances. I had done the research and saw the possibilities, and it didn't look good. But $600 vs. $20,000, it was a no-brainer. So in May of 2010, we set out to try our first IUI treatment.  A week later, with my heart set on it working by a miracle of God, I woke up to my period. I took a deep breath and told Phillip. Disappointed, we both agreed we'd try again the next month. So we geared ourselves up the following month for our second IUI. And again- a big fat negative.

I had already known in my heart that it wasn't going to work. It might have been that I didn't want it to work. Things didn't seem to be lining up like they should. Our marriage was on shaky ground and I had been having issues with my lower back that would debilitate me for weeks on end. So we decided to put off any further treatments until we felt God said it was time. Those next months were agonizing and tested our faith in God.  It truly was his plan, but at the time it felt like we were being attacked physically and spiritually.

In September I underwent a major back surgery. Two day after my surgery, I was readmitted to the hospital for blood clots that resulted in two additional surgeries. It tooks months of pain medication and excruciating physical therapy before I began to have the use of my lower back again. 

I struggled with the fact that I might never be able to carry another pregnancy. I worried about what my body would be able to handle. Occassionaly I would still deal with back pain that would creep up when the weather changed drastically. Anyone who has aches and pain can relate. I expressed my concerns to Phillip and my family and most agreed that it might be risky. Adoption was brought up as an option to expand our family. So it became the focus of our attention. 

We knew of a couple, who were close friends of ours, that were currently going through the adoption process. The adoption process was frightening, overwhelming and expensive.  Phillip, being the financial guru he is, was cringing at the cost to adopt.  My heart was broke and frustrated at his lack of understanding.  I already knew what it was like to have a child. To have that undeniable bond that is only achieved by becoming a parent. It was hard to convince my husband to spend thousands of dollars in order for his to get the experience.  He's a numbers guy. It has to make financial sense for him to be able to comprehend it.  He's not changing and I've had to grow accustomed to it for the last five years.  But its amazing how God works. He put the right people in your life at exactly the right time.

On the way to our bible study one evening, we called our friends, to dispell an argument we were having over the cost of adoption.  Our friends began telling us about their experience going through IVF before their adoption. She told us of a sweet, compassionate doctor who they had used and how affordable they were for their IVF treatments.  This immediately intrigued Phillip, I however, was still reluctant. I wasn't prepared to go through IVF. I didn't think my body could handle it. My fear was totally of the flesh, but I loudly expressed my doubts and refused to even consider IVF.  But God got ahold of my heart.  He softly told me that there were some things that I needed to lay down at the cross. Unforgiveness, hurt and anger were swallowing me up and I couldn't see the light of God. But being a Christian, I obeyed what God was telling me. I finally had to let go of all of my fear, my doubt, anger in order to move into God's plan he had for us.

This year, just after our fifth anniversary, we made an appointment to see yet another IVF doctor. He sat down with us and explained the procedure and the outcomes. The good, the bad and the possbilities. Oh the possibilities...It was the first time I felt that God finally had his hand over us. We were doing this in his timing, his way. I felt elated.

So here we are, a month and a half since we stepped foot into our dreams of possibilities.  And we're two days after from realizing them.  We have five embryos, or what I call my miracle babies, waiting in the lab for us.  I couldn't have seen myself here, this time last year.  But what lays in front of us is nothing more than God's miracles and this is our journey....