Nobody can warn you what the two week wait (between when you've had your embryo transfer and when you have blood drawn to find out if your pregnant) will be like. I can think of a thousand words to describe this wait but the best one that comes to mind....HELL. It's agonizing, nerve-wrecking, nail-biting, can't eat, can't sleep, pure torture. I didn't prepare myself for what it would be like, nor did anyone else. Actuallly I don't think there is preparing for it. You're constantly wondering, looking for any sign at life. Did that twinge mean the babies are implanting? But I haven't spotted? Does that mean it didn't work? My boobs aren't as sore anymore...and the thoughts keep rolling around in my head like life size bowling balls. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to break down and cry. Not because I'm sad, I'm just an emotional basket case. The world of IVF, with all its knowledge, can't soothe an aching heart. But I do know who can. God.
Now I'm speaking to myself as much as I am any of my fellow IVFers reading this or even my family. I have to remind myself daily, hourly, even by the minute that I'm not in control of this journey. As much as I would rather take the wheel to mommy-hood, I'm just a good and faithful passenger along for the ride and I'm just a vessel that God chose to go through this journey. And I've already written about that. I know I was chosen. I accepted this journey with a willing heart, but as much as I want the answer now, I know that this wait is also part of this journey. It's the biggest test of faith.
Most of the time, we can figure out the answers to life's biggest questions. Does he love me, does he love me not? Why did the chicken cross the road? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Well we're still trying to figure out that one. But sometimes God just wants us to rely on him for the answers and he's not one to just give them up at our leisure. We have to dig deep in our soul and believe that God always has our best interst in mind.
Phillip and I went forward at church this weekend to pray over these babies. The women who prayed over us said something like...God would never dangle a carrot in front of us and then not give us the prize. God wouldn't be cruel like that. He's a loving God. Even though we don't always get the outcomes we want doesn't mean that the journey was a failure. It means that we have to trust him, praise him, and continue down the path.
I'll be reminding myself of that in five days when we find out our outcome. We're believing that our faith is strong enough to withstand anything that God can throw at us. Prayerfully, he'll throw us a positive sign and some babies in there too.
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