A bigger plan

Today we got the news that our two remaining embryos didn't make to become snowbabies.  I was prayerfully hoping that we would have a "backup" plan so to speak. That in the event that these two beautiful embryos that are in me now don't make it that we have another chance at this journey.  But when you think about it, is that really putting faith in God that his plan will work the first time? Are we believing that he's not a sovereign God and gives us all our dreams according to his will?

Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses of the bible. My father in law quoted it to me when Phillip and I were first married and I've never forgotten it.  "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, but give you hope and a future." Anytime the plans I had for my life don't go according to my timeline, I refer back to this verse. It reminds me that we have no control over things.  We have to have faith that God has a BIGGER plan that we could ever have for ourselves. 

The fertilty forum I'm read and am a part of,  have countless women who have gone through IVF 3, 4, 5 times and more to achieve their dreams of having a child. It gives me hope when I see those women who voice their frustrations at a negative pregnancy test, but are continuing their journey with the faith it will eventually happen.  Many of those women have conceived twins, even triplets after multiple failures. What a blessing(s) they receive by waiting on the Lord! But is a negative pregnancy test a real failure or God's way of saying...not yet my child. Your time is coming, be patient and keep believing that I have your best interest in mind.

In the moment of grief and frustration we need "lean not on our own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." (Prov 3:5-6). I try to find the joy in every situation. Its not always easy, and its usually proceeded with a flood of tears, but this time I've felt total peace with every step of this process. When my doctor gave me the news that at the age of 34, I had a low number of eggs, I paused for grief, but perservered. When he told me that I would only have 4-5 eggs after receiving the most aggressive protocol, I paused for grief, and perservered. They actually retrieved 8 and 5 fertilized. I beat out science. When they told me that two the eggs they implanted were slow growers and not where they wanted them to be by a day 5 transfer, I paused for grief and perservered. When they told me that my two remaing embryos, my "backup" plans didn't make it to freeze, I paused and cried, but I perservered. I have so much hope and faith that we, Phillip and I, will make it out of this journey with our bundle(s) of joys, that I smile, giggle a little and then rub my belly.  I know they hear me and so does God.