I'm a little behind on this whole blogging thing, but I'm a procrastinator, so its in my nature to put things off til the last minute. So its fitting to say that we're on the tail end of our IVF journey and I'm just now sharing the news. But here's a chance for us to tell the world how it all began....
Phillip and I started this whole conception party four years ago when, after a year of marriage, we decided, we would start trying to have a baby. We weren't in a hurry. I already had the coolest kid from a previous relationship and we both felt, if it happened, it would happen. Two years came and went and no baby. We both wanted children, but it seemed to never be the right time. After our second anniversary, I decided to look into why we weren't getting pregnant. We went to our first IVF clinic and spoke with the doctor who didn't give us much hope. We found out that Phillip had low morphology, low volume, low everything. I couldn't imagine how my husband was feeling. As a man, it must have been a blow to his self esteem. Our IVF doctor just gave us the bad news and sent us on our way without so much of a plan of action. So life continued as it was for two more years.
In the spring of 2010, just after our fourth anniversary, I decided to do some research about IVF. I scoured the internet and looked for IVF doctors in our area. I found a doctor who seemed to have great statistics, a cutting edge facility and was well respected across the country. A phone consult later and we were once again, sent to run another round of tests. The doctor didn't seemed the least concerned with our numbers. He was optimistic that even though Phillip's number were worse than before We were told that IUI was a viable option. He recommended at least 3-4 IUI treatments before we moved on to IVF. To Phillip's financial ears, it was like receiving the golden ticket. I, on the otherhand, wasn't so optimistic about our chances. I had done the research and saw the possibilities, and it didn't look good. But $600 vs. $20,000, it was a no-brainer. So in May of 2010, we set out to try our first IUI treatment. A week later, with my heart set on it working by a miracle of God, I woke up to my period. I took a deep breath and told Phillip. Disappointed, we both agreed we'd try again the next month. So we geared ourselves up the following month for our second IUI. And again- a big fat negative.
I had already known in my heart that it wasn't going to work. It might have been that I didn't want it to work. Things didn't seem to be lining up like they should. Our marriage was on shaky ground and I had been having issues with my lower back that would debilitate me for weeks on end. So we decided to put off any further treatments until we felt God said it was time. Those next months were agonizing and tested our faith in God. It truly was his plan, but at the time it felt like we were being attacked physically and spiritually.
In September I underwent a major back surgery. Two day after my surgery, I was readmitted to the hospital for blood clots that resulted in two additional surgeries. It tooks months of pain medication and excruciating physical therapy before I began to have the use of my lower back again.
I struggled with the fact that I might never be able to carry another pregnancy. I worried about what my body would be able to handle. Occassionaly I would still deal with back pain that would creep up when the weather changed drastically. Anyone who has aches and pain can relate. I expressed my concerns to Phillip and my family and most agreed that it might be risky. Adoption was brought up as an option to expand our family. So it became the focus of our attention.
We knew of a couple, who were close friends of ours, that were currently going through the adoption process. The adoption process was frightening, overwhelming and expensive. Phillip, being the financial guru he is, was cringing at the cost to adopt. My heart was broke and frustrated at his lack of understanding. I already knew what it was like to have a child. To have that undeniable bond that is only achieved by becoming a parent. It was hard to convince my husband to spend thousands of dollars in order for his to get the experience. He's a numbers guy. It has to make financial sense for him to be able to comprehend it. He's not changing and I've had to grow accustomed to it for the last five years. But its amazing how God works. He put the right people in your life at exactly the right time.
On the way to our bible study one evening, we called our friends, to dispell an argument we were having over the cost of adoption. Our friends began telling us about their experience going through IVF before their adoption. She told us of a sweet, compassionate doctor who they had used and how affordable they were for their IVF treatments. This immediately intrigued Phillip, I however, was still reluctant. I wasn't prepared to go through IVF. I didn't think my body could handle it. My fear was totally of the flesh, but I loudly expressed my doubts and refused to even consider IVF. But God got ahold of my heart. He softly told me that there were some things that I needed to lay down at the cross. Unforgiveness, hurt and anger were swallowing me up and I couldn't see the light of God. But being a Christian, I obeyed what God was telling me. I finally had to let go of all of my fear, my doubt, anger in order to move into God's plan he had for us.
This year, just after our fifth anniversary, we made an appointment to see yet another IVF doctor. He sat down with us and explained the procedure and the outcomes. The good, the bad and the possbilities. Oh the possibilities...It was the first time I felt that God finally had his hand over us. We were doing this in his timing, his way. I felt elated.
So here we are, a month and a half since we stepped foot into our dreams of possibilities. And we're two days after from realizing them. We have five embryos, or what I call my miracle babies, waiting in the lab for us. I couldn't have seen myself here, this time last year. But what lays in front of us is nothing more than God's miracles and this is our journey....
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