I'm 4.5 days away from my first ultrasound. It will be the first time I'll be able to see my babies and their heartbeats. I know from experience with my first child, it's a moment you never forget. All the wondering and waiting finally comes to fruition. It becomes real and almost tangible. The hardest part right now is hearing all my other IVF forum girls announce one twin pregnancy after another. I'm super stoked for them and pray that they're twin dust rubs off on me. I'm optimistic and hopeful for my own twin announcement. My husband on the other hand, is 100% confident that we are indeed carrying our beloved, God given twins. Why else would our omniscient God give us such a scripture as "receiving a double portion?" I want to believe and probably deep down do believe, but I find myself questioning...why is God giving me all of my heart's desires? Why do I deserve it? It's a hard concept to grasp when we live day to day failing to be the person God calls us to be. Lucky for us, he gave us grace.
Grace covers a multitude of sins. It's an old addage that I've referred to often in my life. I fail miserably when I get frustrated at my husband for doing something silly. Or at the driver who refuses to let me in the lane even though I've had my signal on for a half mile.Though hormones, at the present moment, play a huge role in my sudden mood swings, it's no excuse for behaving the way I can sometimes. I look back at my behavior or my attitude and ask "what the hell was I doing, thinking, saying?" So it makes it all that much harder to believe that God answers our prayers, gives us things that we don't deserve and still manages to love us.
I've put 100% faith in God's abilities. Often I only put 10% faith in own abilities. That's a huge shortfall when it comes to giving myself a break when I do fail. I imagine God shaking his head at me in that annoyed grievance, but yet giving me chance after chance. How do we overcome things in our lives that zap us of faith in ourselves? I might seem annoyed with my husband, but it's more myself I'm annoyed at for my reactions. Thank God I have a God of grace and mercy. Now I need to stand in humbleness and gratitude.
I am truly grateful for everything I have. I have so much more than I deserve. Problem is, I don't acknowledge it often enough. My husband is loving and provides a safe and nurturing home for myself and our son. I have a vehicle in which to drive daily to and from work, I have a job that provides income and insurance. I have a beautiful home and precious things that fill it. I have a family whom I love and loves me in return. I'm a blessed woman.
Now its time to stand in faith in God and myself for these babies. Their fighters and they come by it rightfully. They have two parents who stand in the Lord and who have already acknowledged them as God's children. Why else would I not believe? I'm only 4.5 days away from being able to testify to his continued miracles in our lives and realizing that I am worth all of God's love and that includes being a mommy to my twin babies. And if not, then I'll still be eternally grateful for what he does give me because its always more than I deserve.
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