It's been a while since I've written. Honestly, I haven't written because it's been difficult to accept the truth. But with time comes healing and acceptance, grace and then triumph. I can finally continue my journey without disappointment.

As many of you who read this know, Phillip and I, along with most of our family thought that we would be expecting twins. I have written alot about what that would mean to me and how much I wanted both of our children. I leaned heavy on God and his provisions, but come to find out God had another plan. During our first ultrasound on July 23, what I thought would be elation, came heartbreak. Instead of carrying two babies, we found out we were only carrying one. Now to most people, they would be thrilled. I, on the other hand, was devastated. As my doctor was probing my uterus trying to get a glimpse of our single bean, my heart was aching. You wouldn't know it to look at me. I put on a good face of excitement that we in fact had one healthy baby. A good heartbeat and right on schedule. My doctor and nurse congratulated me and bid be a farewell. My husband though all was well too. But inside, I was holding back the tears. There was no preparation of how it would feel to lose a child.

Some of you may be rolling your eyes in disgust, others will know exactly how I feel. Honestly, noone could possibily know how it feels until you go through this experience. I should have known better than to get my hopes up. I also should have been joyous with one healthy baby, and don't get me wrong, I am excited. But there was still a pain of loss that I had to overcome. We started this journey of IVF by implanting two embryos. To us, those were two lives, two beings that were ours. The debate always starts when people disagree at when life begins. Some of the people I talked to didn't understand my pain because they said, well if it (the embryo) didn't develop, it was never a life. Those words were so painful to hear that I literally have had to cut off friendships because that belief alone goes against everything I believe. Even more so now that I've gone through IVF. I don't think I completely understood it myself until I went through every single stage of conception. But now, I'm on the other side of understanding and it's something none of us want to go through.

We had prepared ourselves, our hearts and our heads that we were having two babies. My husband and I got into arguements about switching rooms with our older son because his room was the bigger room and to me it made more sense to put two babies into a bigger room. We bought two of everything. So the shock and disbelief that we were having one hit me even harder. Driving home from the doctor's office was a silent trip. Phillip and I came in separate cars, since we were coming from different directions. At that moment, I was never so glad to be able to sit in my car and try to gather my thoughts. I turned off the radio and sat in complete silence. I called one person, my mom. She was the only person I had enough strength to tell. At home, I couldn't even face looking at the room we had prepared. It was too much a reminder that I would only be bringing one baby home.  I went to bed early. The next day was even worse. All my co-workers who knew I had gone to the doctor came by one by one and asked about our news. Two hours into my work day, I had wished I hadn't come in. Having to re-tell over and over that we were only having one baby was like torture. I got the standard, "well at least you're having one baby." And they were right. I was grateful and blessed that God gave us one baby. We could've been on the other side of the coin and asking why we didn't get pregnant. But as much as I was grateful, I was having a hard time showing it. That evening while at bible study, I had heard one too many times of "aren't you grateful to have one" and I lost it. The tears burst out and didn't stop of the rest of the night and into the morning.

It took me several days to come to terms with God's plan for us. I wish I could have been strong enough to get over it and move on with a happy attitude. But I didn't. I was selfish and angry. I couldn't even look at the fertility forums I had been pouring over for months. Here I detailed every single moment of our journey and now I couldn't even bear to look at it. It was a crushing blow when I kept reading about yet another one of my IFV sisters that was having twins. That was supposed to be me. I wanted to be in the moms of multiples club and suddenly I felt like I had been denied access. Like I wasn't accepted into the high school clique or into the college sorority. I know, its stupid. But that's how much it hurt.

Now, time had healed me somewhat. I can't say it still doesn't hurt. A part of me still hopes that in some miraculous feat, that I still do have both babies, that maybe somehow my doctor didn't see the second baby. That it was one of those that likes to hide behind the other. But at the end of the day, I know and trust God's plan even if it isn't what I want. He always knows better and there is a reason for everything. I remember telling someone that God must have needed my baby in heaven more than I need her here. It gave me some comfort. Having peace about it gets easier everyday. I know one day I'll get see all my babies again. They'll be waiting for me when I get to eternity. And they'll know how much I wanted all of them, but God needed them more.